Family breakdown is not easy, especially for kids who take a big emotional hit. Research shows that most kids go through significant emotional and mental stress in the first year or two after separation. However, the good news is that what you do as a parent has a significant impact on how your kids deal with this situation.
You don’t have to be perfect as a parent, but you do need to be intentional, consistent, and present. Whether you’re in Ottawa or any other part of Canada, here’s what you can do to help your kids deal with this difficult period more effectively.
Reassure Them Constantly That the Breakup Isn’t Their Fault
One of the biggest issues to deal with as a parent is to reassure kids that they have nothing to do with the divorce. When kids feel as if the divorce is their fault, they end up feeling guilty and develop distorted beliefs about love and self-worth. Studies have shown that guilt and self-blame are some of the heaviest burdens that children carry after the divorce.
In order to make things work, you should sit down with your child, and if possible, both parents should be present. Talk to your child using age-appropriate language that they can understand. Use simple statements like, “Mom and Dad love you a lot, and that is never going to change.
Sometimes, grown-ups decide that they can’t live together anymore, but that has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault, and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent it.”
Learning how parenting arrangements work can actually help craft the right assurance message. Whether you’re dealing with Ontario family law in Mississauga or another province, such as British Columbia, the courts want what’s best for the child and ensure they enjoy a relationship with both parents. This can be used as evidence to explain to your older children that both parents want to stay connected with them.
Similarly, it’s also a good idea to work with compassionate lawyers like this experienced Mississauga family lawyers Amiri Family Law. Make sure to have someone onboard who can help you create a clear parenting plan that makes your kids feel more secure. Since the arrangement is explicit and properly documented, it truly helps protect kids’ relationships with both parents.
Maintain Consistent Routines Across Both Households
Children lose a sense of control and order with divorce. They can’t always control that their parents are getting separated, but they can control, or at least think they control, what goes on in their daily routines. When daily life falls apart, that’s when anxiety increases.
Neuroscience shows that predictability activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms kids’ brains. If kids know what to expect every day, such as going to bed at 8 o’clock every night, doing homework before TV time, and having Sunday breakfast together as a family, their amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for regulating fear) doesn’t fire up as strongly.
It means predictability makes them feel safer. In fact, kids who don’t lack predictability during their parents’ divorce are more likely to develop school difficulties, behavior problems, and emotional dysregulation.
To overcome this challenge, you should work with your co-parent to develop similar routines in both homes. This may include things like bedtime routines, mealtimes, homework times, and rules about screen time. Children should be able to go back and forth between two homes where the routines are similar.
It’s also vital to ensure the routines are visible to them. You can use a calendar to show which parent they will be staying with on which days of the week. Be sure to ask children to share their feedback or have some input when creating a schedule.
Ask them what they think the most important steps are to get ready for school, or what time they think they should go to bed. The idea is to make them feel heard, as that increases the chances of them going along with new routines.
Be Prepared to Listen without Judgement
Children express their feelings differently from adults. A child may withdraw, act out, go back to younger behaviors, like sucking their thumb, or become easily irritated. These are all normal reactions to managing stress.
Give your child space to express their feelings without judgment or interference. If they say something mean about the situation, don’t counter with “That’s not nice,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way.” Instead, label their feelings and help them explore what they feel. Keep in mind that kids often love both parents deeply, but may feel angry, hurt, or frustrated with one or both. This isn’t hypocrisy; this is normal.
Use all the tools you can find to help them share their emotions. Stories, books, or pictures can help young kids express their feelings about things they can’t verbalize. Ask open-ended questions like, “How was your week?” “What made you happy this week?” and then listen to their answers, without picking up your phone or thinking about your response.
Endnote
It’s never easy for anyone to go through a divorce, but it can take a huge toll on your child’s mental and emotional well-being, especially if you do nothing to help them process the whole situation. Ideally, you should offer them emotional support, explain things in a way that they understand, and make sure they know that both parents are still connected to them.
By taking these steps, you can help your kids feel more resilient and get through this phase with more control. In fact, most children tend to get used to new family arrangements within two years, so be sure to make the necessary efforts and things will fall into place
